The title is supposed to imply that responsibility seems scary, but is positive.
I have always hated responsibility. The word, the action, implications that it must eventually exist within me... You name it. But recently, I had a change of heart.
Recently meaning today.
A couple days ago, life slapped me across the face (how rude!), and said (in a very loud voice) "You have to become responsible eventually, Wyld! You are not five, so you can't keep acting like you are."
And you know what? Life was right.
So, with my face still stinging (Life hits HARD, lemme tell you), I made yet another decision to better my life: I decided to grow up and shoulder responsibility. Among other things, this means:
1. Actually getting up when my alarm goes off, regardless of how long it took me to fall asleep, and how many nightmares I had.
2. While recognizing the incompetence of certain teachers of mine, I had to also recognize the lack of effort on my part and stop blaming ALL of my poor grades on him.
3. Doing the little things, even when I didn't want to. (Such as: washing my dinner dishes BEFORE I wrote this blog entry).
4. Having a good attitude when I'm feeling down, and not dumping on everyone else like I'm the only person in the world to be pitied.
Now, those are only four things. But do you have any idea how ridiculously HARD they can be?!? I'm not trying to enthrone myself in glory here, but MAN! It's TOUGH! Especially when I've been cutting myself a ridiculous amount of slack for... oh, I dunno... the past 22 years, maybe?!
I think one never realizes how set one has become in one's habits until one tries to break them. Now that I am actually thinking about this, and clearly seeing how lazy and childish I've been, it's quite a wake up call to how much I need to change in my life.
But the weird thing is this: considering how much I've been shying away from responsibility my whole life, you'd think I'd be miserable, now that I'm actually TRYING to be responsible. But... I'm not miserable. In fact, I feel kinda good about this whole deal. I'm realizing that responsibility is not a scary thing. It's hard, yes. However, it's also really, really positive. I feel a lot happier today than I did all last week. Are you dying for proof? Here it is:
1. I can sit and draw, listen to music, chat with friends... whatever. All without feeling like Damocles' sword is hanging over my head, because I've ALL READY completed my homework.
2. Instead of immersing myself and others in my gloomy mood, by acting cheerful and not letting myself worry, I find that I really AM cheerful -- because I'm not focusing on the negative. It also is a much more positive atmosphere for people around me.
3. I feel like life is an adventure. I feel like maybe, just maybe, if I can learn to handle things (starting with handling myself), then I needn't be so scared of the road ahead. In fact, I might just be able to speed down it, blasting music, and thanking God for the blessings He's given me, including the wake up calls which brought me these realizations.
OK, so my cheek is still a little pink and a little bruised. But that's where He comes in with the salve and bandages. Without this little slap, who knows what wounds I might have caused myself?
"For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." - Job 5:18